“Smile though your heart is aching..”

Smile?? though my heart is aching???
Just a lyric from MJ’s fave song…

What if my heart is crying?? crying out loud?? Should I smile?

“They are the best thing that ever come to my life..”

They are my family.. My 73 years old granma (the only grandparents I have left),, My mom,, my dad and my lil bro,, my uncles and my aunts also their chidren..

They are the color pencils of my life.. They brings color to my boring life.. Even though the color might be dark or bright,, they are still colors and they my stoopid life become colorfull and somewhat beautiful..

My Granma.. She is simply the best cook ever.. I miss her food and I miss her advices.. All of her grandkids have gone through it,, her advices she has given to us.. They are sometimes boring.. but I would love to hear them again.. Now she is laying down on her bed,, real weak.. She couldn’t move,, if she moves her fractured bones would hurt her real bad.. and that hurts me..!! I don’t wanna see her like that.. I couldn’t even imagine that.. She is my energetic and beautiful granma who likes to go out and just hanging out with her family.. Now she is really weak can’t do nothing but laying.. I’m just really sad.. and heard her voice talking about the pain she feels I couldn’t hold it again and I cried.. I miss her so.. I really do..

My one and only hard-working mom.. Many times I told you that I really love her and whatever I’m doung right now is just for her and for her happiness.. I used to be a bad and naughty girl.. I used to make her cry but I realize that she had gone through hell and I want to give her happiness and I want her to smile as if she were in heaven.  She is he reason why I’m doing all of this.. Maybe she looks strict out side but she is the sweetest mom ever.. I misss her so much too,, I wish I could’ve done more things for her.. I know that for know I could do nothing but just do my best at school but one day she definitely smiles proudly for me.. I will make her…

Sometimes I’m just so upset.. real upset because my daddy is different.. He doesn’t like other daddies I know.. What I know,, a daddy would hug his precious daugther after he comes home.. I saw my friend’s daddy kissed her in the car before she went out to school.. I thought a daddy would buy her daugther a cute teddy bear as a christmas present.. He doesn’t do that.. He is different,, He is one of the most quiet person I’ve ever met. We don’t talk a lot.. He doesn’t care about my daily activites,, what I did,, who am I going out with,, or who are my friends.. I once hated him for that reasons because he is different.. Later  realized that,he is the kind of daddy that  want,, the kind of daddy that I love.. He doesn’t whine,, he doesn’t yell at me,, he lets me explore my world without overprotecting me,, while others was asking for weird and expensive gift from US,, he simply asked for chips.. He shows his love by letting me do what I want and protects and loves me with his style.. He almost never bother me,, he does his own thing and rarely asks for my help.. I love him.. I  love the way he loves me.. He is probably the best daddy I could ask for.. .

We fight A LOT..!!! but what’s sweet is when he asked me to help him with his hair before he went to a party.. My sweet dandy little bro.. He is a whiner but I love him.. If I could give hm a disneyland I probably would.. I knew the reasons why he wants lots of stuffs and I knew why is he a whiner because I’ve gone through the life he is on right now.. He is smart,,, he is smarter than me.. I don’t think I ever tell him that I love him but my first summer in US,, my first break without him,, I miss him a lot..!! We used to hang out and do stuffs together during breaks and that time  was alone.. I miss fighting with him.. If you happen to read this mike,, yes I love you..!! and I miss you..!! and whatever I promised you I will full fill it..! coz I promised..

They are the colors of my lives..!! he reasons why I smile though my heart is aching.. My mom called me today and her sibling were in Indonesia because my granma is sick and talked to my granma and two cousins and aunts and of course my mom.. I cried so bad.. I miss them a lot..!! I wish I could be there with themm with my granma especially.. I cried because I love them and wish to she them again..
I hope God blesses them always.. They are my angels.. I really really miss them..

Surprise??

hmm.. It’s been a while since my last update..

Bad news,, my granma fell and had her L bone fractured..
Good news,, my aunt who am I living with is in Indo now.. She brought my dell laptop to Indonesia,, which was upset me.. well,, my mom wanted it.. and asked me to buy a new one..
And it was hard for me.. first I hate spending that much money.. second,, I hate windows vista.. -.-
But,, I have to buy a new one..

Which I did just know.. I had been searching for days.. I fell in love with the dell studio14.. I wanted the 13 one coz my previous laptop was 15″4 and it was big and heavy.. I hated it.. I want a smaller one.. but the studio doesn’t have 13″ so I had to get the 14″ which I think it’s ok..

The thing I don’t like about it.. is that.. the optical hard drive is external.. but other than that.. everything is ok..
Lemme post the spec down here. .

Model: Dell Studio 14z

Processor: Intel® Core™ 2 Duo P8600, 2.4GHz, 1066Mhz, 3M L2 Cache

Operating system: Genuine Windows Vista® Home Premium Edition SP1, 64-bit

HD Display: Edge-to-Edge 13.3″ HD WXGA LCD with 2.0 Megapixel Camera

Memory: 3GB, DDR3, 1066MHZ, 1 SoDIMM

Hard Drive: 320GB 5400 RPM SATA Hard Drive

Video Card: NVIDIA® GeForce® 9400M G

Plus: Dell Wireless 370 Bluetooth Module (2.1+EDR)

56 WHR 6-CELL LION PRIM BATT

Dell Wireless 1397 802.11g Half Mini Card

That’s about it.. well.. it was kinda expensive.. the total was 1040ish.. and after I submitted the order and reviewed it.. on the address they put Canada instead of California.. CA.!! zomg.. I dunno who’s dumb but I’ll have to call tomorrow..

Anyway.. I’m kindof excited but not really.. wel.. we’ll see..

I heart..

I heart Rei, Rick, n Yudha coz the wish me to be happy the most..!!

The Wall..

It’s that wall again.. the wall that I’ve been trying to destroy these past few months.. and I guess I succeed..

But now,, I somehow keep making new one and even more walls than before.. huwh..

I can’t express it… all I can do is just hiding it..

Punishment..

I’ve been through a lot.. or at least I think I’ve been through a lot.. I’m tired.. I’m really tired..

Is this You Punishment for me God?? What did I do wrong??
Couple days a go I just heard something that upset me to death.. and today,, one of the things that I’m really afraid just happened..

Sometimes I just don’t get it.. Why am I here.. Why do I keep living.. Why do I have dreams??
And everyone seems to be against me too..

I can only Talk to You.. but If You are against me too,, then Whom should I talk to??
Whose shoulder should lean on?? Who would wipe my tears and tell me “You’ll be OK..!”

What did I do wrong?? Whom did I hurt?? I thought I was always nice to everyone.. I thought I ain’t selfish..
Then,, what is this?? what is this punishment for?? what did I do wrong??
Tell me..!! or else,, how would I knoww??

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How could you be..

How could you be so heartless??????

Or is it me yang heartless???

GWA GAK NGERTI………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
damnnn,, kill me instead.. -.-

just wonderin’

Gw lagi liat2 fb trus ada cewe asia jadian sama bule gtu..

Gw lagi wonderin’ ajeh.. kalo gw jadian sama bule siapa yang mati duluan om gw apa bule nyaa.. buahahhahaha..
Kagak tau knape om gw kagak demen banget sama bule.. mao ce/co/tua/muda kagak ngerti dah knapa,, tapi emank kluarganya dia tuh yang tipe2nya stereotype gtu dah.. gw gak demen tuh yang gtu.. -.-

hahahaha.. tapi gw wonder ajeh ada gak sieh cowo yang cakepnya kyk ST berkeliaran di dunia lebih dr satu.. Slaen di stanford.. -.- buahahahhahaa..

Ahh geeloo jem 2 pagiii.. bukannya tidur malah bginian di pikirin.. buahahaha..